Glowy *

Innocuous purple spikey ball?






I think not.




Best $1.50 I ever spent.

*just an excuse to post the last picture of Jo, looking like a ghost

Arc de Triomphe.

I know everyone's seen and done Google Earth already, but I'm still a newbie. Apparently people have used Google Earth to tag the location of Jon Bon Jovi's house. Now that's time well spent. On a completely unrelated note, I'm on my way to New Jersey and I'm going to need a few friends to sing back up on 'Bad Medicine' and impossibly teased hair.

I was cruising around the globe last night and ended up in Paris. This is the roundabout where our tour bus almost killed a guy on a motorbike. I wish I was almost killing someone right now.

A little more from ThinkGeek.com

From their "action shots" section:

"I hates fires but I love firefox."

And then I just died. I really do love Firefox though.

The Shirts of my People!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. There are a billion more a ThinkGeek.com. This is me exercising restraint.

Redemption.

Was digging through my old blogs. Found a couple that I'd planned to post later and then they never saw the light of day. For good or ill, here it is.


I know it looks like a pile of crumbly mush, and it is. It is, however, a very important pile of crumbly mush. The Gospel of Judas has resurfaced after a billion years of decay and some years of suppression by the authorities before that.

Almost certainly written by an impartial source, free of human motive and frailty, just like all the other gospels (WINK), the Gospel of Judas offers the radical opinion that Judas was the good guy! Maybe not as good as Jesus (MAYBE) but he was certainly better than the other 12. When he betrayed Jesus to the authorities he was just doing was Jesus had asked him to do.

Now you just KNOW that Judas is partying in the great beyond. He's been hassling Jesus for years about this shit. Like, long before our remote ancestors were even conceived. Conceived in my case, likely due to some ancient drunken indiscretion. Oh the Irish. What? Shut up, I can perpetuate stereotypes about my heritage if I so choose.

Judas is all "Finally biatches! Now when, exactly, do I get sainted? I've heard that you get all kinds of good shit when that happens and seriously, after all this time I could use a church or two in my honour. You know what I'm sayin'?"

Lost Gospel.

Fog.

Gifts from the Ex!

Here is the whale I won at the Ex. I've named him Sweeney Todd. Look in that eye! Doesn't he look like a murderous barber to you? You better recognize or his accomplice (namely me) will bake you into her pies. That's right, I'm the sidekick of a stuffed whale.

Jo named hers Whalesy. Hardly a name that inspires fear in the hearts of men. 

Irrationally Irate.

Dear Woman at Store,

Shopping is already hard enough, a chore even, without you telling me that the sack-like dress I tried on fit badly due to the crappiness of my bra and not the shittiness of the garment which you are trying to foist upon me. Also? Do not presume that because my bra doesn't meet your exacting standards that you can go ahead and adjust my straps. You don't know how close you were to a swift kick to the groin.

Love,
Toni Bank

"The illusion of due diligence."

Syriana: A movie that assumes it's audience is smart. This, in turn, makes me feel smart for choosing to watch it. Vicious cycle, really. I enjoyed it. New appreciation for Alexander Siddig who was much better as Prince Nasir than he ever was as Dr. Bashir on Deep Space Nine. Yes, of the Star Trek franchise. Toni=Nerd, lest you needed a reminder.

I did not like it when they tortured George Clooney's character. I covered my eyes.

I was impressed by the representation of Hezbollah as a power in Lebanon in a movie released a full year before Hezbollah came to the attention of regular joes around the world. It was one of those instances where the film makers assumed the audience's intelligence.

It was sad, tragically so in places, and I was touched. I didn't, however, feel like it had anything new to say. I guess I was waiting for some sort of revelation when Syriana was more of a chilling mirror into the darker part of today's geopolitical reality. Oil is the motivation behind any number of political machinations worldwide, particularly where the United States is concerned, that's not news to anyone. There are shadowy backstage actors operating around the world that no one really knows about. Surely that's been posited in the past. By Alias even; a show that certain has nothing to say of any political import. But I have a deep, abiding and groinal love for Michael Vartan, Victor Garber and Jennifer Garner so I think I can forgive them.

Also, Susan is home and fantastic. I'm filled with girlish glee and love for my fellow man. Fellow Susan.

Family Gathering.

'Twas my grandma's birthday party yesterday so Deanna and I shuffled up to a family gathering at my aunt and uncle's. Found myself sitting in a cloud of cigarette smoke wondering how people could smoke so much, concern for their lungs tossed carelessly into the wind, for the better part of five hours while my various relatives recounted tales of the good old days. You know, before we kids were born and cocked things up.

I always think that these people, as my mom's family, would have insight to offer on who my mom was. I knew her as well as a twelve year old can, but that's nothing compared to how you get to know your family once you're an adult. They know my mom in a way that I never will, but I see them like, twice a year, so they're really no help.

I was bored out of my skull and hacking up a lung almost the entire time.

So I wandered around and took pictures. My aunt and uncle live in the boonies, so there was no lack of foliage to take pictures of. There was some discussion of their neighbour's farm. I think my relatives harbour suspicions that, since abandoning organic farming, their neighbours are growing and distributing weed out of their barn. Hilarious! I thought of going on a raid on behalf of Jo.

I'm off to a baby shower today and really, when did people I know start getting themselves knocked up? Okay, it's only one so far but it's only a matter of time before it's more! Babies are catching. It's true; I once read on some woman's shirt that "Babies are an STD". Crass but hilarious! I must admit, however, I was entranced by the little baby outfit I bought, which includes a baby sized purple smock that's all fuzzy and has a unicorn on it! I really wish I wasn't reduced to a cooing moron where babies and baby sized products are concerned.

Tell me more about that Science-Fi.

Now, don't get me wrong, Arthur C. Clarke knows how to write Sci-Fi. Knows how to create worlds and images that are beyond my imagination. He's also written a book or two, so he definitely knows something about pacing a story, building a narrative and creating tension.

He doesn't do dialogue though.

His dialogue comes off something like a Victorian proponent of the temperance movement, especially when it comes to romance or sex. 'Darling' (a word I assume is only used by 'old money' and aging opera singers) is peppered throughout the book. And when his characters speak to each other it's like robots giving exposition. Stilted, obvious exposition. Sometimes, in the case of the two main characters in Rama Revealed, it's like robots in love.

And yet, I love ACC. Powering through the final Rama book like there's no tomorrow.

Don't know why I like this picture so much. All you can really see is how dusty my dad's car is. Taken at the gas station. Have convinced father that I am a lunatic. Don't know how he wasn't sure of that a lot earlier.

"You liberals."

Trolling around on Rolling Stone, I read a blog entry celebrating the triumph of multilateralism the recent aversion of catastrophe at Heathrow Airport.

"There is no separation of church and state in any of the middle east countries (save for Turkey). Women have few rights, if any, at all. Legalization of drugs and gay marriage would get you killed over there. And yet, the average liberal is more critical of Israel, than of Lebanon, Hezbollah, or Iran.

How can you liberals identify with the very people who would jail/kill you for the very causes you champion? The irony is overwhelming. "

First of all, Iran is the only truly theocratic government in the region. Also? If this dud thinks that the United States has a true separation of church and state I'd direct his attention to the recent domestic debates on gay marriage, abortion and stem cell research. All of which are, to some degree, rejected by the Right because of their ties to conservative religious groups. That's not what I call separation of church and state. But what do I know, I'm just a liberal!

Also as an "average liberal", I'd like to say that I can be and am critical of Israel, Hezbollah and Iran all at the same time. Isn't it funny how my brain can do more than one thing at once? Never said I wanted to vacation in Iran and I don't think being critical of Israel and some of what I perceive as their poor policy choices, automatically means I'm less critical of Hezbollah. As I said earlier, it's a moral quagmire!


Dude declared in another post that it was the "culture of death" perpetuated by the Palestinian leadership is responsible for the unrest in the region. Not American foreign policy. I'm not entirely convinced "culture of death" is the best way of putting it. Nevertheless, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that both are contributing factors. See? It happened again; my brain thought more than one thing at once, saw an issue as more than either/or.

Dude was also insightful enough to include "Continuing the status quo is not a peaceful solution."

Wow. You really turned me around on that one. You know what's also not a peaceful solution? WAR.

Also, shut up your face dude.

'I only care for a strip of hair'

So I was writing a cover letter, because that's all I do now, and complaining about it, because that's all I do when I'm not writing a cover letter. Sexy! And I sent a finished product over to Jo for editing. After an inordinate amount of time passed, during which I wondered what exactly I'd done so poorly, I received a response. I was applying at a place with Mohawk in the name. Jo took that to mean that I was applying to get a mohawk. And she ran with it, writing me a cover letter for just that purpose. I've included a highlight to tickle your eyeballs:

"I am a firm believer that the sides of one’s head were not meant to be covered, but flaunted, and dare I say it, loved. My motto is ‘I only care for a strip of hair’, and I live by that motto; and if given the chance, I will die by that motto. Aside from my education, I have first hand work experience with Mohawks. While I worked at Hothorpe Hall in England, I once saw an individual with a Mohawk. I did not speak to him, but I did observe him from afar. I feel my time hiding in that small bush gave me a better understanding of the intricacies of the hawk."

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Well, my genitals are certainly the dumbest part of MY body. Slogan clothing? Not really my thing unless it's really obscure. But this just killed me.

Pantless and fancy free.

You didn't think I was kidding about the pantsless thing, did you? This weekend was a resounding success. Although there weren't Lucky Charms, there was breakfast cake and we certainly spent all of our time indoors without constricting pants on. Don't you hate pants?

The picture is of my bedside table and Jo's pantsless legs. You'll notice the massive book; I'm currently reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. Quite highly recommended. You'll also notice my spider plant Sebastian, who is simply thriving!

A lot was accomplished this weekend, Jowie and I decided that we are going to go into the Flipping business. That is, we'll buy houses cheap and improve them and sell them for a massive profit. We can't lose! Soon we'll be real estate tycoons like Donald Trump. I'm sure we'll end up with hair to match. Maybe it's not worth it.

We also decided that John Legend is a massive muffin. Don't try to fight the dimples, they'll steal your soul. I also decided that I'd sleep with almost every performer at Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Or just Mos Def and one of the dudes from The Roots. Important. Decisions.

Proof that we're six years old.

Jo: "No parents? Let's eat candy and not wear pants!"

It's going to be a good weekend.

Cottage Country.

We had to walk along this dock to reach another, equally rickety dock. It's a good thing I'm not a huge clutz. Against all odds I managed to avoid pitching into the lake. I really don't know how I managed that in light of the fact that I fell three times on the first day. There was definitely bloodshed; I have pictoral evidence that I'm manfully refraining from posting. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be a ballroom dancer after all.

Everyone needs the obligatory moss-on-rocks by the water picture for their portfolio. Trite but pleasing.

I love the way the roots look like they're braided. This was on our hike to a gorgeous little spot with a waterfall and everything. A hike during which, might I add, I managed to stay on my feet the entire time, even though there were a couple of close calls.

A storm had swept through the area and had uprooted trees all over. This one was alarmingly close to Linds' cottage.

Vertigo

Linds once told us about an uncle of hers that had some pretty serious vertigo. To treat this the doctor grabbed her uncle's head in his hands and shook his head really hard. Apparently it worked.

Dubious medical practice aside, I think that I'd like someone to come along, grab my life and shake it really hard. I need something to make the world stop spinning around without me. Shake the cobwebs out, shake me out of this ennui. Uncover the imagination and drive that I know lives inside of me. Somewhere.

Maybe, in the process, some loose change would fall out and I'd be able to add to my trip fund. I have a total of 78 dollars and 19 cents in the trip fund right now. That'd get me to the airport and maybe a sandwich or two for the journey.

Cottagers.

I didn't get wasted! And I only ate like four smores! I think I even ate two bananas. This weekend was not as advertised. Fun was had nonetheless. The final picture tally was something ridiculous like 230 pictures. Rest assured, (JO) more will be posted.

Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen

"We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank."

Disturbing!

I know you're all waiting with bated breath for cottage pictures. Oh. Really? Not one of you? Well you're going to get them anyway! Uppity jerks.

But first, I must share this New York Times link with you. It's a before and after satellite photo of Harat Hriek, a neighbourhood that was apparently Hezbollah's HQ in Lebanon.

Scary.

It's scary that we've created weapons that can destroy neighbourhoods. The sheer variety of massively destructively armaments in the hands of people I don't trust makes me crap my pants, just a little.

Whatever happened to spears and the bow and arrow? I'm not at all confident that there's ever going to be World Peace, so we should just throw out all of our advanced weaponry and go back to poking at each other with sticks. At least we'd cause less damage that way.

A little screw.

My sunglasses are broken, they're missing a screw for the hinge on one side and have been for a while. I had this dream last night where I was walking around with my broken sunglasses asking people for a little screw to fix it. "I need a little screw," I kept saying over and over again and people kept laughing at me. During the dream I couldn't figure out why. Why no one would give me a little screw.

I just got it!

So, I really do need a little screw.

Cottage this weekend. Jo has outlined a shopping list for me that includes marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate, hard liqour, chocolate, weed and chocolate. Have sneaking suspicion that this weekend will be the end of me. Maybe I can sneak in a glass of milk when Jo's not looking.

Not by me.

Someday I'll take a picture like this. But, let's face it, it'll probably be Jo and Susan dueling on top of garbage cans in front of a pond.