Saturday, May 28, 2005

A Public Service Announcement

Dear World,

My housemates are the most awesome things ever. They're better than chocolate (which they brought me). They're better than a roast chicken wrapped in bacon (which they also brought me). They're better than Star Wars (Attack of the Clones killed my gentle spirit). They're better than Jesus (who allowed Attack of the Clones to be made).

My housemates are like when you wake up and think you have to go to school but it turns out you have a snowday and you can stay home and drink hot chocolate and watch bad daytime tv from under a warm blanket all day long. They're like the Lord of the Rings trilogy: a masterpiece of epic proportions that I never tire of. That is exactly how awesome they are.

Jubu, Subu, Bubu...I salute you. And love you...groinally.

Friday, May 27, 2005

A Fickle Pickle

I figure that I fall in love about 6 times a day. I don't really have mild reactions to anything or anyone in my life. I either love it or hate it, but that's another post. The love thing: yesterday, for example, I fell in love with my red sparkly nail polish, coffee, Sun and Jin from Lost and Black Star by Radiohead.

Today it was my eyebrow lady, 'cause she fixed it so that I no longer look like this. Yes, Eyebrow Lady (who you should think of as Esmeralda from here on), I am in love with you. You are an efficient hair remover. And I forgive you for not getting all the sticky wax off of my face.

In other news: Some kid whose testicles had not even dropped yet rode past me on his bike while I was waiting for the bus and had the temerity/audacity/cheek to ask me for my number so he could "call me later" in a high pitched squeaky voice. Thought he was pretty damn funny. In his position I would've feared for my life, especially considering the fact that my right boob is like bigger than his puny head. I wanted to throw something in the spokes of his bike so he would take a spill. I didn't because I am a mature adult. At least I pretend to be most of the time.

This incident is part of the reason I will never have children. They are annoying at least 65% of the time in my experience. And you can't shut them off when they're annoying. Indeed, you have to rise above their annoyingness, because they're children and you're the adult. NUTS TO THAT. I don't feel like being the bigger person, I'm downright tired of it. I'd rather be snarky.

More importantly, my beloved Jubu and Subu have returned and I am super excited. There will be a great deal of group love and not a small amount of Star Wars watching. Apparently I will want to remove my ovaries through my nostrils after watching Attack of the Clones.

Looking forward to it.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Magic Bullet

All right, this infomercial, the Magic Bullet is on everyday at like 3 AM. Now, generally I watch informercials with detached disdain, confident that I am not one of the tragic millions that could ever be persuaded to purchase a set of 40 knives that can cut through cans just because they're presented by Chef Tony.


Magic Bullet rocks my world. I watch it at least once a week, usually when I'm half asleep at like 3 AM, not unlike yesterday (or earlier this morning, if you're going to be picky). Maybe it's the fact that I'm always half asleep when I see it, or maybe it's the fact that Mick and Mimi are the best fake couple that I've ever seen (not like HAL AND JOANNE FROM BODY it wrong to wish them death?) but last night I was laying there and I'm like, I should totally get a Magic Bullet.

Who doesn't want delicious fruit smoothies in less that 10 seconds? The anti-Christ, that's who. Thus, if you're not the anti-Christ, you should buy a Magic Bullet right quick.

It occurs to me that I watch too much television after midnight.

Army of Darkness

There are ten thousand cats roaming around in our neighbourhood and if Susan was less vigilant in her cat-forbidding ways I would have them all come live with me. Thus fulfilling my lifelong dream of living in a house that smells like urine and is covered in hair.

On the surface 10 000 cats in one house may sound like a bad idea. However, I don't think you've considered the fact that I could train them to become my Army of Darkness. No one would see it coming. Everyone loves cats, after all. Kittens would be the shock troops, the first wave, if you will. With their high pitched meows and soft fur no one would suspect them of nefarious deeds.

Some say that an Army of Darkness made up of humans would be more effective.

I stand by my decision.

A Thousand Apologies

A Thousand Apologies
Kudos and mad props and other weird phrases of congratulations/thanks to Jowie for the awesome main title. And for agreeing that I am a Frustrated Superhero.

A blog, a place for me to air my thoughts/feelings/neruoses/strange rashes for all (or just Jubu and Subu) to read. Oh self indulgence, you’re my favourite vice.

Well, I’m 21 now, which means all of my blog entries will be adult and responsible. They will probably be entirely concerned with the rising price of home owner’s insurance and dish soap. I'll have to start enjoying adult television shows as well. No more Family Guy or The Simpsons. It's going to be all Lou Dobbs' Moneyline and Antique Roadshows from here on out.

Maybe I should just throw myself off the roof now. Goodbye cruel adult world!


Entries will not be
a) Concerned with hot man on man action
b) my love for said action
c) another way to avoid schoolwork
d) a sloppy tribute to my faithful and everlasting love for my housemates
e) another way for me to rant at length about my distain for the political climate of the United States and Canada

I’m a big filthy liar, entries will be entirely concerned with the above.

ALSO: Watched Lost and Alias finales tonight. I am going to become J.J. Abrams’ kinky sex slave. After those two shows I can forgive him for the train wreck that was Felicity.

I’m going to learn to speak French this summer. Re-learn, I suppose. In fact, soon I will speak French so well that I will have no use for all you lowly mortals that speak English. We should probably dissolve our friendships in advance, to avoid an ugly scene.