Crazy runs in the family.

Out for a walk with the sister today. The expression on her face is a physical manifestation of my inner turmoil. If you ever find yourself wondering what I'm thinking, that face is basically it.

So this road closed sign was right near a construction area and I started taking some pictures of the treeline behind the construction. The contrast between the trees and bare earth was interesting, I thought. Out of nowhere a white car drove up and a woman got out and started yelling at me. "Are you taking pictures of the construction?" "No, the trees actually." "You're not allowed!" "Sorry, I didn't know." "If I see you here again I'm going to take your camera away!"

All yelled in her smoke-scratchy voice. I thought she was unneccessarily confrontational. I was there with an eleven year old. I'm clearly not an industrial spy.

If she thought she was going to get her hands on my camera she really had something else coming. Me and Charlton Heston only have one thing in common, and it isn't a penchant for playing historical figures on screen. Like Charlie and his gun, she could pry my camera out of my cold, dead hands.

Multi-Purpose Billboard.

This is my life now. Walking around and taking pictures of stuff. How thrilling. I should go commit a crime or something, just to spice things up. Larceny? Murder? Hobo taunting and kicking? Decisions!

On the Anemic Job Hunt front, I've just applied to a position at a local museum. It's small and about steam or something and thus would be the MOST boring job ever*. If I got it, I'd probably start wearing tweed suits. That might not be so bad though. I could get a Sherlock Holmes hat and pretend I was fighting crime in Victorian London.

*so not complaining. at all. get them to hire me please baby jesus.

This one goes out to Subu...

and everyone else who enjoys being shoved into freezers.


Looking through old Stanley pictures. Meant to post this a long time ago. I wish I was shoving you into a freezer right now Susan.

This day in Toni.

Day two million and thirteen point seven of being unemployed.

Reminded myself that I'm not a waste of space despite the fact that I didn't leave the house today.

Railed, in my head, at the Canadian Tire lady who loved me, practically offered me a job and then never called. NEVER CALLED. EVEN WHEN I LEFT HER AN EXTREMELY POLITE MESSAGE.

Railed at CUPE people in my head, even though I only applied to them YESTERDAY. Precarious state of mental health people.

Wished that the England game was on today so I'd have a reason to be watching TV.

Broke out the Lord of the Rings extras. Used sparingly in case of mental health emergency.

Marvelled at my grandfather's taste in music. Am making him a long overdue mixed CD because my grandpa and I are fourteen-year-olds dating. His song choices? Anything by Barbra Streisand, Natalie Cole, Whitney Houston and Celine Dion (but especially the Titanic song).

Night Time Telly

McDonalds. Please do not taunt me with your deli sandwiches at midnight when I'm not about to haul ass anywhere, despite the fact that your drive through windows are open until all hours of the morning. Also, you're not fooling me or anyone else with your personal anecdotes. The only reason anyone goes to "Dirty Don's" is for the crap. If I want fast food with vegetables, I go to Subway. If I want "secret sauce" and "questionable meat" I go to McD's. AND your "whole wheat" buns don't fool me.

Nick Lachey. That song? Is not good. Period. I don't care "what's left of you". Please get it off my tv screen. How did you get people at the MMVA's to sing along with you?

Al Gore and his "Inconvienient Truth" are awesome and scary. "Think about the inconvience of a hundred thousand refugees and imagine a hundred million." Shudder. I'm going to stop driving my hummer and start getting hummers instead. Hi-oh!

Someone loves you Uncle Jow.

Discussion about potential homophobia and racism in my little sister and the curbing thereof, Jowie had an awesome little nugget to offer:




"I'll show up in my turban with my Japanese Jew wife, that's the solution to all of life's problems. "

Love. So much!

Sorry this blog is about nothing now. When did that happen? Oh right, when I became an unemployed, unstudent layabout.

Someday, something will happen and I'll post about it here. Just you wait and see!

Definitely gone completely mad.

So I've been devoting a little too much time to thinking about football. Whatever duds. Video of England's Peter Crouch celebrating a goal by doing the robot. I must find this man and have sex with him immediately.

All I want to do is watch Footie.

Despite the fact that I was as dirty as a big dirtpile today, I absolutely had to wait until half time to shower. Italy v. USA. It was an exciting game, three red cards! The Americans played with nine men for most of the second half. Result? Draw. Still so good. Oh man, watching professional sports brings out the worst in me.

Sven-Goran Erikkson, England's coach, is cooler than you.

I'm an Alumni now. Toni Bank: B.A.H.

It's true, I have a card to prove it. After we went onstage to talk to Lincoln Alexander, the raddest dude ever, we went on this big long circuit where we officially got our degrees, shook hands with people, took HORRIBLE pictures of us holding a University of Guelph clipboard dealy that was apparently supposed to represent our degree and received a card from Alumni services.

We've been trying to figure out what we can do with our alumni cards. We're going to use it as a police badge, so we can get our way into all the cool crime scenes.

"Sorry Ma'am, this is a police matter, I'm going to have to ask you to go stand behind the yellow tape." I take out my Guelph Alumni card, flash it at him. "Oh! I didn't realize you were an Alumni. That changes everything. If you're not too busy, we could use some help solving this important case sure to bring you fame and fortune and beautiful men by the fistful."
"I guess I can make time in my busy schedule, but someday you guys are going to have to learn how to solve crimes without me."

Other potential uses:
-replace a debit card when you have no money in the bank or when you left your wallet at home and need money for strippers (you didn't know they take plastic now?)
-jimmy open stubborn doors when you don't have your keys/are breaking into shit
-use it like a VIP pass at concerts, so you can harass the band and convince them that they should take you on the road with them

After convocation there was the obligatory debauchery. I drank stuff, I smoked stuff, I was massively hungover the next day. Am currently debating the relative merits of posting before and after pictures from convocation and the aftermath versus not exposing myself to scorn and ridicule.

Still in Mississauga. Who knows when I'll be home again.

World Cup Fever.

I wonder how many beers it would take to get him OUT of his little bikini top. *WINK*

Toni the Traveller.

Not dead. I was off spending time in Toronto and Mississauga. Met up with Jowie in the 'Saugs and then we headed to Toronto where Linds was kind enough to let us crash.

The picture is of Linds and Jo tooling downtown. Well, one of them's tooling around.

The Sarsical, a musical about the SARS epidemic, was definitely the highlight. Not only was the show HILARIOUS, but we also met up with some of people from Guelph which made it extra fun.

Home to take a breath, very briefly, and then back to Guelph tomorrow for Convocation. Also known as "Here's Your Piece of Paper. You Are No Longer Allowed to Attend Classes Here For Reals. Now Go and Get Drunk."

And we will!

I can't help but feel a little bit like a hobo right now. I've been living out of a bag since Friday and, with the exception of tonight, I'm probably going to be living out of a bag until Thursday.

Haven't been in Guelph in about six weeks. So odd. Can't wait for tomorrow, especially the after-convocation stuff.

Best. Haircut. Ever.

All the gay marriage ranting got me thinking about my uncle. Love this picture of the two of us. I'd have you notice that I'm wearing footie pajamas and have the LARGEST MULLET EVER CREATED. It's going to eat you. Better be careful. As we 10 Stanleyians say, I was all business up front and party in the back.

Thanks for nothing parents. Way to start me off uncool. Trends have continued.

More political venting.

Great. So the bigoted amendment has been defeated. 49-48. A two-thirds majority is needed to amend the constitution, so technically it lost by 11.

HOW IS THE MARGIN POSSIBLY THAT NARROW?

Ahem.

Thumbs down Vatican, you may have your cute little Cardinals, but I don't care for your assertion that gay marriage threatens the traditional family. First I'd like you to show me, someone who lives with her step-father and half-sister where the traditional family is. And then, if you could, show me how someone else, trying to exercise one of their basic rights by getting married has an effect on my family, okay?

Thumbs up Senator Kennedy. "The Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution. A vote for it is a vote against civil unions, against domestic partnership, against all other efforts for states to treat gays and lesbians fairly under the law."

Perpetual thumbs down Bush: "My position on this issue is clear: marriage is the most fundamental institution of our society, and it should not be redefined by activist judges."

I'd argue that it shouldn't be redefined by men that claim to speak for God but so clearly have their heads shoved up their asses.

Yahoo News.
BBC

Jon Stewart is awesome. Duh.

Now there's a ticket I'd vote for. You know, in a perfect world. And a world where I'm an American citizen.

Jon Stewart had some cheeky remarks for the Administration at the recent Peabody Awards ceremony and increased my love for him a thousandfold. A highlight:

"Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."

Get it? Bush is like a dude from Nazi Germany! And not one of those nice Nazis either, he was in charge of the German Armed Forces and Luftwaffe and helped set up concentration camps with the head of the SS. As ever, you're in most exalted of company Bush.

Watch out Jon Stewart, you get anymore awesome and I'm going to leave my fabulous, unemployed (until I get word from my possible potential boss), non-student, slug-like existence and become your sex slave. Whether you like it or not. You can feel free to support me and buy me many books and be intelligent and hilarious around me.

Source.

A Walk.

a.k.a. Toni Takes Too Many Pictures Trying to Be Arty and is Lazy in her Blogging.

Damn thee McGee.

So Jo and I, angry at Schick over their substandard razor and return policy, were concocting a fake plan to blow up Gillette. The fact that, as pinkos we're obligated to hate big corporations was just a pleasant, coincidental part of the scheme.

This picture? One I took of Jo on a late night grocery store run. Shows the evil genius at work.

Jowan: okay, but you get the explosives this time
they always give me dirty looks

Toni: well, they're kind of snobbish at Crazy Joe's Explosives Depot. i'll do it i guess.
whatever, i mean i came up with the plan and i'm getting the explosives...i'm just wondering what your part in this whole plan is

Jowan: crazy moustache twirling

Toni: believe it or not, i can do that
so really, you're not holding up your end of this partnership
i might have to go find some new help

Now here's where the magic happens
Jowan: please! i mean you may be irish, and that's adorable, but I think you should really leave the heavy terrorism to the experts
I mean can the irish even grow moustaches?

Toni: you've just made my life. i hope you understand that. and i'm posting this immediately

Look, a matching set.

Maybe it shouldn't amuse me so much that the Cardinals, pictured here on the Pope's recent visit to Poland, all have matching umbrellas. Their outfits are the same, after all. But I just can't get the image of some underling running around and making sure there were enough white umbrellas for the Cardinals out of my head. Or do they get a white umbrella with the rest of the outfit when they become Cardinalled?

Matching outfits is what Catholicism is about, after all. It was one of the first things they taught us in my Catholic highschool. Pearls of important wisdom that I'm passing on to you.