A new meal plan.

I sent my slave Jo to get me a sub, but it will be my last. I've decided on a new eating strategy. My diet will consist of coffee from the Cornerstone and the new Excel mints.

I don't want any of you to worry, I've thought this plan through, and it's NOT just some hairbrained scheme I cooked up while talking to Jo.

I'm pretty sure I'll be really hard to live with, but it's not like I'm a prize now. At least I'll be wide awake and smelling minty-fresh, a nice change from sleepy and smelling like a sweaty, dead animal.

I'll probably lose some teeth but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

I'm also going to start smoking and buy an old typewriter so I can be a frustrated writer. My hair will always be a mess and I'll be covered in cigarette butts and crumpled papers with failed attempts to be brilliant all over them.

I will be moody and mercurial and only appreciated after my death. I'll write one mildy successful novel and spend the rest of my life trying to repeat that success and tortured over the fact that I have no popular acclaim.

Jo and I will embark on a tumultuous affair and I will frequently cheat on her with Brad Pitt, Susan, Barb and Hayden Christensen.

I'll probably die in freak gasoline fight accident.