A note to jerks.

Dear Stupid Girl sitting behind me in Britain since 1600,

I've heard you talking with your thick-necked friends before class and suspected you were a moron. But I thought, hey, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, I bet people think I'm a dumb bitch sometimes too.

However, you've confirmed beyond all doubt that you and I are never going to be BFF (and not only because I've promised to be the BFF of about 13 people now).

A word of advice: Bear baiting WAS a cruel sport. Tying a bear to a post and letting dogs attack? Yeah, no one thinks that's cute or endearing. That's why it DOESN'T OCCUR ANYMORE. There's been no bear baiting for at least a hundred years now. Therefore, please refrain from making you stupid awwwww poor bear noise when the professor is trying to make a point about Augustan cruelty. I don't care if you want to lick bears all over. Keep it to your fucking self. Just because the rest of us weren't expressing our disgust out loud doesn't mean that we weren't feeling it. THAT'S WHY THE PROFESSOR PUT IT UNDER THE CRUELTY HEADING OF THE LECTURE.

Numero Duo: If you're so against bear baiting, why does the notion of skimmington make you giggle so much? Tying humans to a pole and carrying them through town before tossing them on the ground outside town, possibly leaving them tied to the pole isn't particularly funny. You know what else isn't funny? The fact that Jews in the Augustan age were persecuted because they were blamed for the death of Christ. Neither of these historical realities warranted your giggles.

In the future, if you'd like your head to remain unpunched you can a) stop being a stupid bitch or b) stop attending class with me.

I feel like b is probably the easier option for you.

Love,
Toni